im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
