And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Randomize
