I skipped work to stalk him.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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