The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
