My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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