Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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