well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
