Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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