She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
