my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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