Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
