Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
