It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
