So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize