first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My pussy is not your playground.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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