so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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