Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I supernannyed him into submission
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
