Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well you can't waste a boner
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
