I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
