I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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