You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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