These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
