The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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