My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
