I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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