we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The beer is more important than you right now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
