No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
