I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
