Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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