onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
