I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
