Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
where are my eyebrows?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
