You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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