I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
