i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
