woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
