dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
