Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
