you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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