I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
