I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
