Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
