respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
