He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
