I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
