I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
