i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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