Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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