so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
