Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
