Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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