He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
