walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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