Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
