I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
