Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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