i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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